The Four Horsmen


The first thing I would like to talk about is something I learned from this week’s reading. It is the Four Horsemen. I asked my husband if he had heard of the Four Horsemen; he said of the Apocalypse? No, I don’t know anything about them. Of course he had heard of them and knew about each one. His ex-wife and he spent several years in marriage counseling, he had gotten proficient at the stonewalling to avoid any time of discussion with his ex. I wanted to know how he felt we had arguments. He thought for a minute and said we usually just argue over little things then one of us will make a silly face at the other and we continue to discuss whatever it was we’re talking about.

I want to tell you about the Four Horsemen. John M. Gottman Ph.D uses them to predict if a marriage will end in divorce. There are six signs of trouble in paradise; First is a Harsh Startup, Second, The Four Horsemen; third, Flooding; fourth, Body Language; fifth, Failed Repair Attempts, and finally sixth; Bad Memories.  The Four Horsemen; first one is criticism like when you spouse forgets to do something you have asked them to do instead of offering a complaint about whatever it is you say something like: “What is wrong with you?” and make is a global criticism. The second Horsemen is contempt; which includes sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye-rolling and the like. I feel like my husband and do some of this; we can be very sarcastic sometimes. Third Horsemen is defensiveness; like when you push your spouse too far and they push back trying to turn the tables on you. Finally, the fourth Horsemen is stonewalling. This is where a spouse refuses to engage in any type of discussion with you at all. They say nothing in hopes that the offending spouse will just stop speaking and go away, or they just go away. I believe I have used this a time or two in my married life, when I just had to leave a situation even if temporary, a time out so to speak. I think that would be better then feeling flooded when you heart starts to beat fast, your blood pressure goes up and you can’t think straight.

I really enjoy how Gottman writes about failed attempts to repair marriage even as the end of a marriage draws near; but he says it is not over till it’s over. There is always hope for marriages even if the Four Horsemen have come to visit, as long as you don’t let them stay. I like that, how about you guys? Am I the only person that has never heard of the Four Horsemen?