Turn toward your spouse

I love that scripture that Goddard quoted in Chapter 3, “Lord I Believe; Help thou mine unbelief.” That is a very profound scripture, we can have faith in The Lord Jesus Christ, but can we have faith in God, The Holy Ghost, and our spouse? With all the faith that I have in marriage, I still say, Lord, help my unbelief. I think that my husband and I have from the beginning put God first in our marriage. We go to the temple regularly, go to church regularly, we pray regularly, serve in callings, do all the Bishop or others ask us to do; maybe that is not what is meant by putting God first in our marriage. Maybe it is doing the little things that Gottman talks about; turning toward each other when we are asked to be somewhere else or doing something else. In looking at the emotional bank account my husband and I do many activities on the list and there are many that we do not do. I wonder if by doing things for other people all the time we are avoiding spending time together, just the two of us. Many of our date nights are spent with other people. We did do a date night last week by ourselves, we watched HGTV Love it or List it and ate ice cream. Now that may sound mundane and boring to some but it was relaxing for us to kick back and watch a show. We did talk a bit, during the commercials, about what we might do on our next required date night.

I think we do share many common meanings like how we feel or relate to our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and son in law and grandsons. It is important to have family traditions, for instance we spend Thanksgiving with one side of the family and Christmas with the other, then the next year we flip it. I told my mom yesterday, next year Christmas was suppose to be at their house maybe we can change that to my daughters house in Hawaii since they are moving there just before Christmas this year. We always celebrate birthdays in big fashion, I usually get to go to NYC for my birthday and we take a trip for my husband, we have been to Disney and taken a cruise; which is nice in January to go somewhere warm. All of these little traditions help to make our family complete and whole. What are some things that you guys like to do together?

Love maps & nurture your fondness and admiration

What is a love map? How well do you know your spouse? In a nut shell, if you know your spouse, their wants, desires, dreams, how they like their meat cooked, what they like to watch on TV, then you have a pretty good love map.

Dr. Gottman talked about Dr. Rory and his wife Lisa. He told how Dr. Rory was a workaholic and did not even know his dog’s name or where the back door of the house was. Dr. Rory and Lisa were on the verge of divorce when they decided to see Dr. Gottman, he asked them to remember back to their first date, Dr. Rory’s face lighted up when he talked about first meeting Lisa. As they talked about those memories they rekindled a spark of why they were together in the first place. They held hands as they talked about that first date. Dr. Gottman knew their marriage was strong and could become stronger over time because of the love map they had together. They knew other so well and even though they had drifted apart for a time they saw they could be good together once again. So Dr. Rory changed the way he worked and made time for Lisa and their kids. He even had dinner with the family every night.

So memories together help make up your love map. Knowing little details about your spouse, just paying attention to what they say and do make a huge different in everyday life. Remembering those little details help to keep a marriage strong and alive. I realized I only know a few things about my husband, well maybe more than a few, when we did the love maps questionnaire. Actually we did pretty well, however neither of knew the relative that we liked the least. That was funny to us. We are still working on the, who am I part of the book.

We did okay on the fondness and admiration questionnaire also. I like seeing how the deep seeded positive feelings help us to stay connected. There does not seem to any room for the four horsemen to come into the marriage if we have positive thoughts and feelings toward one another. Again I ask how is your love map?

The Four Horsmen


The first thing I would like to talk about is something I learned from this week’s reading. It is the Four Horsemen. I asked my husband if he had heard of the Four Horsemen; he said of the Apocalypse? No, I don’t know anything about them. Of course he had heard of them and knew about each one. His ex-wife and he spent several years in marriage counseling, he had gotten proficient at the stonewalling to avoid any time of discussion with his ex. I wanted to know how he felt we had arguments. He thought for a minute and said we usually just argue over little things then one of us will make a silly face at the other and we continue to discuss whatever it was we’re talking about.

I want to tell you about the Four Horsemen. John M. Gottman Ph.D uses them to predict if a marriage will end in divorce. There are six signs of trouble in paradise; First is a Harsh Startup, Second, The Four Horsemen; third, Flooding; fourth, Body Language; fifth, Failed Repair Attempts, and finally sixth; Bad Memories.  The Four Horsemen; first one is criticism like when you spouse forgets to do something you have asked them to do instead of offering a complaint about whatever it is you say something like: “What is wrong with you?” and make is a global criticism. The second Horsemen is contempt; which includes sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye-rolling and the like. I feel like my husband and do some of this; we can be very sarcastic sometimes. Third Horsemen is defensiveness; like when you push your spouse too far and they push back trying to turn the tables on you. Finally, the fourth Horsemen is stonewalling. This is where a spouse refuses to engage in any type of discussion with you at all. They say nothing in hopes that the offending spouse will just stop speaking and go away, or they just go away. I believe I have used this a time or two in my married life, when I just had to leave a situation even if temporary, a time out so to speak. I think that would be better then feeling flooded when you heart starts to beat fast, your blood pressure goes up and you can’t think straight.

I really enjoy how Gottman writes about failed attempts to repair marriage even as the end of a marriage draws near; but he says it is not over till it’s over. There is always hope for marriages even if the Four Horsemen have come to visit, as long as you don’t let them stay. I like that, how about you guys? Am I the only person that has never heard of the Four Horsemen?

Three Wolves

I have read and reread the assigned talks this week. I was most struck by Elder Hafen talk; specifically how he says “every marriage will be tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves”. The first time I read that I thought how is that possible? I have been married three times and did not think my marriages had been touched by wolves. Upon reading it again, I can see that the first marriage was visited by the first wolf, natural adversity and the third wolf, individualism although it makes sense why the third wolf came into that marriage. I was only married for seven months, my husband had Hodgkin’s disease when I married him so he became very self absorbed because of the cancer; totally understandable on my part. Then the first wolf took over and he lost the battle with cancer.

My second marriage to my eternal companion seemed to be visited by all three wolves mostly because of me. He died of complications due to Multiple Sclerosis. He truly was an angel; no matter what I ever did he always complemented me and told me how beautiful I was. I was the worst wolf two; one that would criticize things he did to try and help me, I became self absorbed so I would not have to deal with the reality of his illness; wolf three is a master manipulator.  When wolf one won the battle I felt terrible for way I have treated my eternal companion. I am so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and that I can be forgiven of my actions.

The marriage I have now is pretty good except I can see wolf two sneaking around; my husband often criticizes things I say and do. I never realized that until I reread this talk. I think we will have to talk about the three wolves and how they can affect our marriage.

I can see the adversary working hard to make marriage more difficult than it already is; everybody will have a bad day once in a while, the trick is to keep the Lord close. If you put Christ first in your marriage along with your spouse every else will work out the way it was intended, maybe not the way you wanted it too. I believe if you give your life to the Lord, He can make so much more of it then you can make alone.

How do you guys that are married feel about the three wolves? Those that are not, how would you suggest preventing them in marriage? 

Marriage

Marriage is most definitely between a man and a woman. I have many homosexual friends and relatives but I do love them, just not their lifestyle. Some are married, others have partners they live with, only one couple has children that my friend carried by sperm donor, they are both female and the kids are male. I often worry about how they are growing up with the presence of male in the house.  I know that God loves them as well but is not happy with their choices, I don’t think, maybe I’m being judgmental. But the Bible teaches from the beginning when God created Adam and Eve and commanded them to multiply and replenish the earth. He probably knew at that point there would be same sex attraction. Just like with heterosexual attraction there should be no sex before marriage. The law of chastity is for everyone, male and female, and if you live that law the Lord will bless you beyond your ability to comprehend. The Family A proclamation to the World says "ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." It goes on to say, "HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations." We are accountable to God for how we raise our children. What do you all think? Do you agree or disagree?