Fidelity in Marriage

There is a story written by a BYU-Idaho student about fidelity in her marriage. She has read in Goddard’s book in the chapter on purity some of things he said about the progression of unfaithfulness. “Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity), an affection grows that claims part of one’s heart, extramarital flirting. Justification-“no harm intended”, relationship declared as “special”, opportunities created to see “special friend” (one worries what others will say/think), excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person, spouse is displaced. Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”, faultfinding with spouse, fantasies about the other person, physical affection-a squeeze, a kiss, a hug, sexual relations”. After she has read these things she felt horrible because she had a special friend and did not realize she could have an emotional affair. Once she realized what was going on, she repented, changed the way she did things and eventually she got out of the situation.

Have any of you ever found yourself in a situation like the BYU-I student? I am ashamed to say I have. When my second husband was sick and in bed I had a neighbor going through a divorce; it was around Christmas time and I wanted to do good for this guy and his kids. So my kids and I did the 12 days of Christmas for this family. Each day, twelve days before Christmas, we would put a gift on his front porch from “Secret Santa”. Well this guy started leaving notes for secret Santa, about how much he appreciated the thoughtful gifts, and how it was making his divorce easier. Christmas morning came my kids and I arrived at the house with one last gift. He and his family said they thought it was us. We spent the next six months doing things with this guy and his kids, having them over for dinner so my husband could be involved. Then another neighbor pointed out how much time we spent together. That was all it took for me to let go of my special friend, he found a great person and got remarried. My husband passed away five months later.

If you find yourself in any type of situation like this; please repent and get out. You never know when it will be too late. 

Charity and Gridlock

I bet you are think charity and gridlock cannot exist in the same sentence. Let me explain how they can. Goddard says, “Charity is the pure love of Christ, and it is endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him”. It is something that is not found easily or automatically. You need to work at having charity; just like you need to work at marriage. Gridlock is found in everyone’s marriage eventually. When you are first married everything is exciting and new, but after the honeymoon your spouse begins to annoy you with the way they do things, little things you thought were cute at first. You both had hopes and dreams when you started out, little by little those dreams may have taken a back seat to other things like kids, new jobs or change of location. One day you have had it, your spouse is making a peanut butter sandwich and you lose it, you start to yell and tell them they are making it wrong. You go nuts on how to make the peanut butter sandwich. Your spouse is sure have lost it, you start bring up all kinds of other things that have been bothering you but you have kept silent until now. After you have acted like a crazy person for a time, your spouse turns to you and asks if you are done. Then they talk to you about all the things you have kept bottled up inside for so long. It has nothing to do with the peanut butter sandwich; it has everything to do with your not opening up and having clear and concise communications. You have spent much of your married life in gridlock and didn’t really know it. You dreamed you wanted to return to school and get a four year degree in anything, just to say you did it. Your spouse is helping you at this point to achieve that dream but it so hard. The school work which was so easy for you 30 plus years ago you struggle with now. Your spouse is supportive, loving and caring; you are the one struggling. Gottman says, “No book (or therapist) can solve all your marital problems. But by incorporating these Seven Principles into your marriage, you can really change the course of your relationship”. I know this is a true statement. It has helped with my marriage. Even though I get stressed over school and act like a crazy person over a peanut butter sandwich, I’m grateful I have taken this class.

Perpetual/Solvable Problems ..

In marriage Gottman says there are two types of problems, perpetual and solvable problems. I thought about this and began to think of perpetual problems in my own marriage. There are a few; such as my husband’s need to collect things, I think he is a hoarder and have many times in the past called him that. There is the fact that he has to give a large sum of money to his ex-wife every month and that leaves us cash strapped. Those are the two biggest issues I think we deal with on regular bases in our marriage. The hoarding I thought was solvable until we actually had to deal with it. I have come to the conclusion that hoarding is an illness, no matter how much I complain he doesn’t see anything wrong with stuff piled up. So I had him watch this show with me called “Hoarders”, he didn’t think he was as bad as the people on the show but agreed he could be. So we have the discussion every once in awhile about things piling up in his “man cave”. He will then bring some things up to recycle, I say thank you and the pattern continues. It is definitely a perpetual problem. The money thing, I seriously need to just get over it. It just makes me so angry, just because he was married to her for more than ten years she is entitled to a quarter of his salary for the rest of her life or until she remarries. It has been ten years and I don’t think she will ever remarry. The solvable problems are just petty things that I can’t even think of one right now that is how petty they are. I think we are doing ok in this area of our marriage for now.

I wanted to touch on Goddard’s chapter six, Consecration. I really felt the spirit speak to me as I read the chapter on how marriage is like the law of consecration and we have an ancient model of that law in Abraham and Isaac. I have always heard the story of how Abraham was told to sacrifice Isaac to show his faith to the will of the Lord. But I had never thought of it as the law of consecration. He points out how marriage gives us the opportunity to practice consecration. Goddard said, “Just as Isaac was willing to give his life as the ultimate expression of commitment to God, so we are invited to dedicate of lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls”. He continues, “In the day-to-day struggles of marriage we may fail to see that his ultimate sacrifice qualifies us to the ultimate reward. We shall “inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depts.” –all that the Father hath (see D&C 132:19)!” I really feel that this statement has given me hope, hope in husband, hope in myself and hope in our marriage.

Let Your Partner Influence You

When I read this title to my husband he had a hardy laugh. Not because of the title, but because of me. We have had recent talks about this very subject; how we influence each other or rub off on each other. I think it is how we have humbled ourselves and made an effort to rid ourselves of pride. President Benson said in May 1989 Ensign Article, “Let us choose to be humble. We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are. (See D&C 38:24; D&C 81:5; D&C 84:106.) We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement. (See Jacob 4:10; Hel. 15:3;D&C 63:55; D&C 101:4–5; D&C 108:1; D&C 124:61, 84;D&C 136:31; Prov. 9:8.) We can choose to humble ourselves by forgiving those who have offended us. (See 3 Ne. 13:11, 14; D&C 64:10.) We can choose to humble ourselves by rendering selfless service. (See Mosiah 2:16–17.) We can choose to humble ourselves by going on missions and preaching the word that can humble others. (See Alma 4:19; Alma 31:5; Alma 48:20.)” I love that he says we can choose to be humble; humility is a choice one that will benefit us in our everyday lives not just in our marriage. President Uchtdorf in a talk to the priesthood October 2010 said, “I believe there is a difference between being proud of certain things and being prideful. I am proud of many things. I am proud of my wife. I am proud of our children and grandchildren.” He is so right; I am proud of many things but it is easy to be prideful if I don’t watch out. That is where humbling myself comes in to practice.

It was interesting to play the survival game with my husband. He chose necessary items that if we were stranded would help us to help ourselves, like a radio, walkie-talkie, water, knife, rope and gun along with some other items to make up his ten. The interesting part was I had chosen many of the same items because I have spent the last 10 years with this man. So I’m convinced that after living with someone so long you pick up their habits even if you might find them annoying; in a good way. What do you guys think? Do you and your partner thing alike or do things alike?