Creating Family Ties

I think it is very important to create healthy ties with your married children, in-laws, siblings and anyone that is related in any way- aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and the like. I know how important these relationships can be. After the death of my first husband, I lost contact with his family; his parents had both died before we were married, but he had one brother and one sister. Within the last year I found both of them, thanks to Facebook. It has been thirty-five years since I have seen or talked to them. It truly was like those thirty-five years vanished. We picked up where we left off; like no time had passed. I still see my second husband’s brothers and sisters, a couple of brothers live in my area that I see more often. He has a brother and two sisters out west that I have gone to visit. For my kids’ sake I feel it is important to have some of their dad’s family influence.

My husband now only has his dad and two sisters and their families living. I love my father in law! He is the most amazing 87 year old I know. He likes to go and do things still, which is awesome.  We have him over for dinner once a month. My husband calls his dad everyday to check in. One of his sisters’ lives near by the other is about two hours away. We get together with them about four times a year.They are busy and live different life styles than ours.

My daughters’ in-laws just moved to Hawaii, on a different Hawaii than my daughter and her family, but it is so nice that she will have them nearby. I love her in-laws; they are awesome, adventurous and stable. I like spending time with them. They raised a great son.

I have so many extended family members now because my children are adopted and recently found their birth families. I feel this is a great blessing; more people to love and love my children. Seriously, my family tree has grown into a forest. I love it and I love each and every member of my family and extended family whether, by birth, marriage or adoption. It is so important to maintain contact with all your family, even if it is only a few times a year. Remember to contact them on their birthday, send a Christmas card any special occasion you can think of would be nice.

The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults

Dr. Richard B. Miller said, “When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families.” Dr. Miller pointed out five reasons marriages maybe in power relationships in Families.

1.      Parents are leader in the family.

2.      Parents must unite in their leadership.

3.      This is the title of this post.

4.      The marital relationship should be a partnership.

a.       Husbands and wives are equal.

b.      Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.

c.       Husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family.

d.      Husbands and wives work together as partners.

5.      What is the power relationship in your marriage?

All of Dr. Miller comments were spot on, even if they were a little hard to take. The one that hit home for me was number three, the parent-child hierarchy dissolves when our children become adults. I think that is why children are so smart when they are in their early twenties and move out of the house. I was eighteen when I moved out, because my mom and I did not see eye to eye on anything. I had a good job, made enough to pay rent and even eat. I know it was hard on my mom at the time but we are both better off today because of that decision. When my daughter went to BYU-Hawaii I knew she would never live in our house again. She came home that first Christmas for a short visit, then back to Hawaii she went. She and her husband a spent a couple of nights here with their babies but our entire relationship has changed, for the better I think. My son will be coming home from his mission in January and I expect him to go to school somewhere. I have to keep telling myself, he is a twenty two year old man, he can make decisions and live on his own; I have to respect that.

So I will have some growing pains in the next little bit, but I know it will be good for everyone. My time as mother, mothering is over, time to learn to be a good grandma and friend to my kids. My husband and I have always been equals but we need to work on the power in our relationship. That’s what happens when two first born children marry, they both want to be in charge, we are working on it however.