Creating Family Ties

I think it is very important to create healthy ties with your married children, in-laws, siblings and anyone that is related in any way- aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and the like. I know how important these relationships can be. After the death of my first husband, I lost contact with his family; his parents had both died before we were married, but he had one brother and one sister. Within the last year I found both of them, thanks to Facebook. It has been thirty-five years since I have seen or talked to them. It truly was like those thirty-five years vanished. We picked up where we left off; like no time had passed. I still see my second husband’s brothers and sisters, a couple of brothers live in my area that I see more often. He has a brother and two sisters out west that I have gone to visit. For my kids’ sake I feel it is important to have some of their dad’s family influence.

My husband now only has his dad and two sisters and their families living. I love my father in law! He is the most amazing 87 year old I know. He likes to go and do things still, which is awesome.  We have him over for dinner once a month. My husband calls his dad everyday to check in. One of his sisters’ lives near by the other is about two hours away. We get together with them about four times a year.They are busy and live different life styles than ours.

My daughters’ in-laws just moved to Hawaii, on a different Hawaii than my daughter and her family, but it is so nice that she will have them nearby. I love her in-laws; they are awesome, adventurous and stable. I like spending time with them. They raised a great son.

I have so many extended family members now because my children are adopted and recently found their birth families. I feel this is a great blessing; more people to love and love my children. Seriously, my family tree has grown into a forest. I love it and I love each and every member of my family and extended family whether, by birth, marriage or adoption. It is so important to maintain contact with all your family, even if it is only a few times a year. Remember to contact them on their birthday, send a Christmas card any special occasion you can think of would be nice.

The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults

Dr. Richard B. Miller said, “When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families.” Dr. Miller pointed out five reasons marriages maybe in power relationships in Families.

1.      Parents are leader in the family.

2.      Parents must unite in their leadership.

3.      This is the title of this post.

4.      The marital relationship should be a partnership.

a.       Husbands and wives are equal.

b.      Husbands and wives have different responsibilities, but they function as equals.

c.       Husband’s role as patriarch gives him the responsibility to serve his wife and family.

d.      Husbands and wives work together as partners.

5.      What is the power relationship in your marriage?

All of Dr. Miller comments were spot on, even if they were a little hard to take. The one that hit home for me was number three, the parent-child hierarchy dissolves when our children become adults. I think that is why children are so smart when they are in their early twenties and move out of the house. I was eighteen when I moved out, because my mom and I did not see eye to eye on anything. I had a good job, made enough to pay rent and even eat. I know it was hard on my mom at the time but we are both better off today because of that decision. When my daughter went to BYU-Hawaii I knew she would never live in our house again. She came home that first Christmas for a short visit, then back to Hawaii she went. She and her husband a spent a couple of nights here with their babies but our entire relationship has changed, for the better I think. My son will be coming home from his mission in January and I expect him to go to school somewhere. I have to keep telling myself, he is a twenty two year old man, he can make decisions and live on his own; I have to respect that.

So I will have some growing pains in the next little bit, but I know it will be good for everyone. My time as mother, mothering is over, time to learn to be a good grandma and friend to my kids. My husband and I have always been equals but we need to work on the power in our relationship. That’s what happens when two first born children marry, they both want to be in charge, we are working on it however.

Fidelity in Marriage

There is a story written by a BYU-Idaho student about fidelity in her marriage. She has read in Goddard’s book in the chapter on purity some of things he said about the progression of unfaithfulness. “Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity), an affection grows that claims part of one’s heart, extramarital flirting. Justification-“no harm intended”, relationship declared as “special”, opportunities created to see “special friend” (one worries what others will say/think), excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person, spouse is displaced. Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”, faultfinding with spouse, fantasies about the other person, physical affection-a squeeze, a kiss, a hug, sexual relations”. After she has read these things she felt horrible because she had a special friend and did not realize she could have an emotional affair. Once she realized what was going on, she repented, changed the way she did things and eventually she got out of the situation.

Have any of you ever found yourself in a situation like the BYU-I student? I am ashamed to say I have. When my second husband was sick and in bed I had a neighbor going through a divorce; it was around Christmas time and I wanted to do good for this guy and his kids. So my kids and I did the 12 days of Christmas for this family. Each day, twelve days before Christmas, we would put a gift on his front porch from “Secret Santa”. Well this guy started leaving notes for secret Santa, about how much he appreciated the thoughtful gifts, and how it was making his divorce easier. Christmas morning came my kids and I arrived at the house with one last gift. He and his family said they thought it was us. We spent the next six months doing things with this guy and his kids, having them over for dinner so my husband could be involved. Then another neighbor pointed out how much time we spent together. That was all it took for me to let go of my special friend, he found a great person and got remarried. My husband passed away five months later.

If you find yourself in any type of situation like this; please repent and get out. You never know when it will be too late. 

Charity and Gridlock

I bet you are think charity and gridlock cannot exist in the same sentence. Let me explain how they can. Goddard says, “Charity is the pure love of Christ, and it is endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him”. It is something that is not found easily or automatically. You need to work at having charity; just like you need to work at marriage. Gridlock is found in everyone’s marriage eventually. When you are first married everything is exciting and new, but after the honeymoon your spouse begins to annoy you with the way they do things, little things you thought were cute at first. You both had hopes and dreams when you started out, little by little those dreams may have taken a back seat to other things like kids, new jobs or change of location. One day you have had it, your spouse is making a peanut butter sandwich and you lose it, you start to yell and tell them they are making it wrong. You go nuts on how to make the peanut butter sandwich. Your spouse is sure have lost it, you start bring up all kinds of other things that have been bothering you but you have kept silent until now. After you have acted like a crazy person for a time, your spouse turns to you and asks if you are done. Then they talk to you about all the things you have kept bottled up inside for so long. It has nothing to do with the peanut butter sandwich; it has everything to do with your not opening up and having clear and concise communications. You have spent much of your married life in gridlock and didn’t really know it. You dreamed you wanted to return to school and get a four year degree in anything, just to say you did it. Your spouse is helping you at this point to achieve that dream but it so hard. The school work which was so easy for you 30 plus years ago you struggle with now. Your spouse is supportive, loving and caring; you are the one struggling. Gottman says, “No book (or therapist) can solve all your marital problems. But by incorporating these Seven Principles into your marriage, you can really change the course of your relationship”. I know this is a true statement. It has helped with my marriage. Even though I get stressed over school and act like a crazy person over a peanut butter sandwich, I’m grateful I have taken this class.

Perpetual/Solvable Problems ..

In marriage Gottman says there are two types of problems, perpetual and solvable problems. I thought about this and began to think of perpetual problems in my own marriage. There are a few; such as my husband’s need to collect things, I think he is a hoarder and have many times in the past called him that. There is the fact that he has to give a large sum of money to his ex-wife every month and that leaves us cash strapped. Those are the two biggest issues I think we deal with on regular bases in our marriage. The hoarding I thought was solvable until we actually had to deal with it. I have come to the conclusion that hoarding is an illness, no matter how much I complain he doesn’t see anything wrong with stuff piled up. So I had him watch this show with me called “Hoarders”, he didn’t think he was as bad as the people on the show but agreed he could be. So we have the discussion every once in awhile about things piling up in his “man cave”. He will then bring some things up to recycle, I say thank you and the pattern continues. It is definitely a perpetual problem. The money thing, I seriously need to just get over it. It just makes me so angry, just because he was married to her for more than ten years she is entitled to a quarter of his salary for the rest of her life or until she remarries. It has been ten years and I don’t think she will ever remarry. The solvable problems are just petty things that I can’t even think of one right now that is how petty they are. I think we are doing ok in this area of our marriage for now.

I wanted to touch on Goddard’s chapter six, Consecration. I really felt the spirit speak to me as I read the chapter on how marriage is like the law of consecration and we have an ancient model of that law in Abraham and Isaac. I have always heard the story of how Abraham was told to sacrifice Isaac to show his faith to the will of the Lord. But I had never thought of it as the law of consecration. He points out how marriage gives us the opportunity to practice consecration. Goddard said, “Just as Isaac was willing to give his life as the ultimate expression of commitment to God, so we are invited to dedicate of lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls”. He continues, “In the day-to-day struggles of marriage we may fail to see that his ultimate sacrifice qualifies us to the ultimate reward. We shall “inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depts.” –all that the Father hath (see D&C 132:19)!” I really feel that this statement has given me hope, hope in husband, hope in myself and hope in our marriage.

Let Your Partner Influence You

When I read this title to my husband he had a hardy laugh. Not because of the title, but because of me. We have had recent talks about this very subject; how we influence each other or rub off on each other. I think it is how we have humbled ourselves and made an effort to rid ourselves of pride. President Benson said in May 1989 Ensign Article, “Let us choose to be humble. We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are. (See D&C 38:24; D&C 81:5; D&C 84:106.) We can choose to humble ourselves by receiving counsel and chastisement. (See Jacob 4:10; Hel. 15:3;D&C 63:55; D&C 101:4–5; D&C 108:1; D&C 124:61, 84;D&C 136:31; Prov. 9:8.) We can choose to humble ourselves by forgiving those who have offended us. (See 3 Ne. 13:11, 14; D&C 64:10.) We can choose to humble ourselves by rendering selfless service. (See Mosiah 2:16–17.) We can choose to humble ourselves by going on missions and preaching the word that can humble others. (See Alma 4:19; Alma 31:5; Alma 48:20.)” I love that he says we can choose to be humble; humility is a choice one that will benefit us in our everyday lives not just in our marriage. President Uchtdorf in a talk to the priesthood October 2010 said, “I believe there is a difference between being proud of certain things and being prideful. I am proud of many things. I am proud of my wife. I am proud of our children and grandchildren.” He is so right; I am proud of many things but it is easy to be prideful if I don’t watch out. That is where humbling myself comes in to practice.

It was interesting to play the survival game with my husband. He chose necessary items that if we were stranded would help us to help ourselves, like a radio, walkie-talkie, water, knife, rope and gun along with some other items to make up his ten. The interesting part was I had chosen many of the same items because I have spent the last 10 years with this man. So I’m convinced that after living with someone so long you pick up their habits even if you might find them annoying; in a good way. What do you guys think? Do you and your partner thing alike or do things alike?

Turn toward your spouse

I love that scripture that Goddard quoted in Chapter 3, “Lord I Believe; Help thou mine unbelief.” That is a very profound scripture, we can have faith in The Lord Jesus Christ, but can we have faith in God, The Holy Ghost, and our spouse? With all the faith that I have in marriage, I still say, Lord, help my unbelief. I think that my husband and I have from the beginning put God first in our marriage. We go to the temple regularly, go to church regularly, we pray regularly, serve in callings, do all the Bishop or others ask us to do; maybe that is not what is meant by putting God first in our marriage. Maybe it is doing the little things that Gottman talks about; turning toward each other when we are asked to be somewhere else or doing something else. In looking at the emotional bank account my husband and I do many activities on the list and there are many that we do not do. I wonder if by doing things for other people all the time we are avoiding spending time together, just the two of us. Many of our date nights are spent with other people. We did do a date night last week by ourselves, we watched HGTV Love it or List it and ate ice cream. Now that may sound mundane and boring to some but it was relaxing for us to kick back and watch a show. We did talk a bit, during the commercials, about what we might do on our next required date night.

I think we do share many common meanings like how we feel or relate to our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and son in law and grandsons. It is important to have family traditions, for instance we spend Thanksgiving with one side of the family and Christmas with the other, then the next year we flip it. I told my mom yesterday, next year Christmas was suppose to be at their house maybe we can change that to my daughters house in Hawaii since they are moving there just before Christmas this year. We always celebrate birthdays in big fashion, I usually get to go to NYC for my birthday and we take a trip for my husband, we have been to Disney and taken a cruise; which is nice in January to go somewhere warm. All of these little traditions help to make our family complete and whole. What are some things that you guys like to do together?

Love maps & nurture your fondness and admiration

What is a love map? How well do you know your spouse? In a nut shell, if you know your spouse, their wants, desires, dreams, how they like their meat cooked, what they like to watch on TV, then you have a pretty good love map.

Dr. Gottman talked about Dr. Rory and his wife Lisa. He told how Dr. Rory was a workaholic and did not even know his dog’s name or where the back door of the house was. Dr. Rory and Lisa were on the verge of divorce when they decided to see Dr. Gottman, he asked them to remember back to their first date, Dr. Rory’s face lighted up when he talked about first meeting Lisa. As they talked about those memories they rekindled a spark of why they were together in the first place. They held hands as they talked about that first date. Dr. Gottman knew their marriage was strong and could become stronger over time because of the love map they had together. They knew other so well and even though they had drifted apart for a time they saw they could be good together once again. So Dr. Rory changed the way he worked and made time for Lisa and their kids. He even had dinner with the family every night.

So memories together help make up your love map. Knowing little details about your spouse, just paying attention to what they say and do make a huge different in everyday life. Remembering those little details help to keep a marriage strong and alive. I realized I only know a few things about my husband, well maybe more than a few, when we did the love maps questionnaire. Actually we did pretty well, however neither of knew the relative that we liked the least. That was funny to us. We are still working on the, who am I part of the book.

We did okay on the fondness and admiration questionnaire also. I like seeing how the deep seeded positive feelings help us to stay connected. There does not seem to any room for the four horsemen to come into the marriage if we have positive thoughts and feelings toward one another. Again I ask how is your love map?

The Four Horsmen


The first thing I would like to talk about is something I learned from this week’s reading. It is the Four Horsemen. I asked my husband if he had heard of the Four Horsemen; he said of the Apocalypse? No, I don’t know anything about them. Of course he had heard of them and knew about each one. His ex-wife and he spent several years in marriage counseling, he had gotten proficient at the stonewalling to avoid any time of discussion with his ex. I wanted to know how he felt we had arguments. He thought for a minute and said we usually just argue over little things then one of us will make a silly face at the other and we continue to discuss whatever it was we’re talking about.

I want to tell you about the Four Horsemen. John M. Gottman Ph.D uses them to predict if a marriage will end in divorce. There are six signs of trouble in paradise; First is a Harsh Startup, Second, The Four Horsemen; third, Flooding; fourth, Body Language; fifth, Failed Repair Attempts, and finally sixth; Bad Memories.  The Four Horsemen; first one is criticism like when you spouse forgets to do something you have asked them to do instead of offering a complaint about whatever it is you say something like: “What is wrong with you?” and make is a global criticism. The second Horsemen is contempt; which includes sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye-rolling and the like. I feel like my husband and do some of this; we can be very sarcastic sometimes. Third Horsemen is defensiveness; like when you push your spouse too far and they push back trying to turn the tables on you. Finally, the fourth Horsemen is stonewalling. This is where a spouse refuses to engage in any type of discussion with you at all. They say nothing in hopes that the offending spouse will just stop speaking and go away, or they just go away. I believe I have used this a time or two in my married life, when I just had to leave a situation even if temporary, a time out so to speak. I think that would be better then feeling flooded when you heart starts to beat fast, your blood pressure goes up and you can’t think straight.

I really enjoy how Gottman writes about failed attempts to repair marriage even as the end of a marriage draws near; but he says it is not over till it’s over. There is always hope for marriages even if the Four Horsemen have come to visit, as long as you don’t let them stay. I like that, how about you guys? Am I the only person that has never heard of the Four Horsemen?

Three Wolves

I have read and reread the assigned talks this week. I was most struck by Elder Hafen talk; specifically how he says “every marriage will be tested repeatedly by three kinds of wolves”. The first time I read that I thought how is that possible? I have been married three times and did not think my marriages had been touched by wolves. Upon reading it again, I can see that the first marriage was visited by the first wolf, natural adversity and the third wolf, individualism although it makes sense why the third wolf came into that marriage. I was only married for seven months, my husband had Hodgkin’s disease when I married him so he became very self absorbed because of the cancer; totally understandable on my part. Then the first wolf took over and he lost the battle with cancer.

My second marriage to my eternal companion seemed to be visited by all three wolves mostly because of me. He died of complications due to Multiple Sclerosis. He truly was an angel; no matter what I ever did he always complemented me and told me how beautiful I was. I was the worst wolf two; one that would criticize things he did to try and help me, I became self absorbed so I would not have to deal with the reality of his illness; wolf three is a master manipulator.  When wolf one won the battle I felt terrible for way I have treated my eternal companion. I am so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and that I can be forgiven of my actions.

The marriage I have now is pretty good except I can see wolf two sneaking around; my husband often criticizes things I say and do. I never realized that until I reread this talk. I think we will have to talk about the three wolves and how they can affect our marriage.

I can see the adversary working hard to make marriage more difficult than it already is; everybody will have a bad day once in a while, the trick is to keep the Lord close. If you put Christ first in your marriage along with your spouse every else will work out the way it was intended, maybe not the way you wanted it too. I believe if you give your life to the Lord, He can make so much more of it then you can make alone.

How do you guys that are married feel about the three wolves? Those that are not, how would you suggest preventing them in marriage? 

Marriage

Marriage is most definitely between a man and a woman. I have many homosexual friends and relatives but I do love them, just not their lifestyle. Some are married, others have partners they live with, only one couple has children that my friend carried by sperm donor, they are both female and the kids are male. I often worry about how they are growing up with the presence of male in the house.  I know that God loves them as well but is not happy with their choices, I don’t think, maybe I’m being judgmental. But the Bible teaches from the beginning when God created Adam and Eve and commanded them to multiply and replenish the earth. He probably knew at that point there would be same sex attraction. Just like with heterosexual attraction there should be no sex before marriage. The law of chastity is for everyone, male and female, and if you live that law the Lord will bless you beyond your ability to comprehend. The Family A proclamation to the World says "ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose." It goes on to say, "HUSBAND AND WIFE have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations." We are accountable to God for how we raise our children. What do you all think? Do you agree or disagree? 

Divorce

I am a product of divorce. My parents divorced when I was thirteen years old. My father was an alcoholic and very abusive in every sense of the word. I remember once while still married to my mom, he brought home a woman that was carrying a gun, I remember thinking; this is messed up! I have so many unfortunate things in my memory that I never wanted my children to see anything like that. It was a relief to me when my when my parents divorced because of all the fighting that would go on. I never really understood why my mom waited thirteen years of my life to divorce my dad. Divorce is hard on everybody, especially the kids. My brothers are younger than I am so they didn’t understand what was happening. I remember going into a Judge’s Chambers and him asking me what it was like at my house. I told him everything; he decided it was in mine and my brothers’ best interest to live with my mom. Today I’m not sure if kids have a chance to talk to the Judge.

There is so much divorce; I’ve read that there is a fifty percent change of people today staying married. There are so many people living together, having children and never marrying, maybe because they grew up in a family like mine. Maybe there is a fear factor that no one has looked at as to why so many people divorce or never get married.  There is a video Divorce School for Kids. (9 minutes) (ABC News, 20/20, Divorce school for kids) that everyone should watch. It might make people think twice about how or why they divorce and the effect it has on children.

I am who I am today because of my parents’ divorce. I vowed never to get involved with anyone that drinks or is abusive in anyway. I have been married three times, widowed twice; all of my husband’s have been good God fearing men that have treated me like a queen. I don’t know how I got so lucky, maybe instead of looking for Mr. Right, I found three Mr. Right for Me. I wanted to break the pattern that my parents had made; I knew life could/would be better. If you are reading this and thinking about a divorce; please think long and hard, unless the person is abusive; then get out as soon as possible; is there a way to save this marriage?